You Might Be A Redneck if >>
There are tobacco stains down the sides of your school bus.
You've ever heckled during a eulogy.
"Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at the local bar.
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell".
Your mother has ever been arrested for poaching.
If your kid's favorite bedtime story is "Curious George and the high voltage fence.
You help booby trap your families marijuana crop.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
Santa Claus refuses to let your kids sit in his lap.
You can take your bra off while driving.
Your momma has ever been involved in a cuss fight with the principal.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Play Ball..."
You've ever vacationed in a rest area.
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Every electrical outlet in your house is a fire hazard.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
Truckers tell your wife to watch her language.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
You were shooting pool when your kids were born.
You have ever read an entire article in a gun magazine.
You consider dating second cousins as "playing the field."
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.
You've ever been getting gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
Your kids have a three-day-old Kool-Aid mustache.
You have to mow your driveway.
When you talk about great mullet fishermen, Granny's name always comes up.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the Fair.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
"HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
Your screen door has no screen.
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
You can amuse yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
Your sister subscribes to "Soldier of Fortune" magazine.
Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.
If directions to your house include turn off the paved road..
Bikers back down from your momma.
Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You use a fishing license as a form of Identification.
The antenna on your truck is a danger to low flying airplanes.
If you've ever been too drunk to fish..
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there is a law against it.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
You've ever shot anyone for looking at you.
You lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your good deed for the month was hiding your brother for a few days.
The Roto-Rooter man comes to your house and asks, "What's that smell?"
You must have four-wheel-drive to get to your home.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
If your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board..
You can smoke a cigarette to the end without knocking off the ash.
If someone comes to your door mistakenly thinking you're having a yard sale daily..
You can't schedule a family reunion until after the parole board meets.
You think re-booting your machine refers to kicking the truck tires the second time it won't start.
Your car has never had a full tank of gas.
The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
You have ever watched an entire infomercial and said, "Hell yeah, I'm gonna get me one of them."
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it."
You pick your teeth from a catalog.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure out how to fix it.
Your secret family recipe is illegal.
If your wife uses a photo of Tammy Faye as a makeup application guide.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
For a good time, you go nuts at the local Auto Zone.
Today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.
You get your oil changed by your barber.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
There is a puddle in your driveway year-round.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when he visits your house.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You have the taxidermist's number on speed-dial.
You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch something!
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You are hit with fear then a strong sense of pride after being asked to sign the back of your payroll check.
Your momma tore her best dress coon hunting.
There are antlers nailed to the outside of your house.
You argue over the advantages of John Deere and International farm equipment.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
Your idea of a good Saturday night is shooting rats at the dump.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You think the O.J. trial was the big Sunkist and Minutemaid taste test.
Your junior-senior prom had a daycare center.
More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
You've ever run down a bowling lane and slid into the pins.
Your grandmother can correctly execute the sleeper hold.
You've ever been arrested for loitering.
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car..
You can give the date and place of every bullet hole in your car.
Your dog can smoke a cigarette.
You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brother's tooth.
*****************
|
